


Passion

by RedRosella



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Grieving, I don't want to spoil too much in the tags, M/M, Misunderstandings, No Character Death, Set After 'Moving On', Some angst, Some existential questions, Steven Universe as a coping mechanism
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-09
Updated: 2019-02-22
Packaged: 2019-10-25 06:37:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 8,408
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17720027
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RedRosella/pseuds/RedRosella
Summary: An old photo in Patton's room brings up new questions for Virgil. Who was Passion? Why had he never heard of him? Where is he now?...Can Sides die?





	1. The Story

**Author's Note:**

> So I've had this fic idea forever, and I've been writing it slowly for months. I then forgot about it for about three months, and now I'm finally here! 
> 
> This is set around the time after Moving On, just for frame of reference.

Cleaning Patton’s room seemed like an impossible task.

Every side seemed to be covered in different toys, pages, and countless knick knacks that seemed utterly unorganizable. There was almost no common theme to be found that would lend itself to creating a semi coherent living space.

Now, it may have been possible if you were to throw out some of the more obscure items, or maybe even move them to a different place where they wouldn’t get in the way so much, but no. Patton wouldn’t dare parting with even one of his treasures, so organization it was.

And who worse to recruit than Virgil?

“Thanks for helping me out, kiddo! Just let me know if you ever get overwhelmed and we can take a break.” Patton flashed Virgil a smile.

“No problem, Dad.” There was no possible way Virgil would ever deny a request from Patton, even if his room did make him slightly uncomfortable from time to time. So here he was spending his valuable time helping him with this impossible mess.

They figured the best course of option seemed to just be picking a corner and begin cleaning it out in the hopes of actually making a dent, so Virgil went to the far left corner as Patton began working on the right.

There were a lot of very peculiar items stashed there, from memories of high school crushes to childhood toys that broke the instant they were played with. Some of it even managed to bring a half smile to Virgil’s face rather than a grimace.

It took a good half an hour of work on his corner before things finally seemed to get slightly more presentable, and a half an hour before he came across a picture frame.

That in and of itself wasn’t weird. Patton had tons of pictures scattered across his room, hidden in every nook and cranny. What _was_ odd was the person in the photo.

He looked like a young Thomas, just barely on the cusp of middle school. He wore a thick scarf and glasses, a book and pen in hand. His eyes almost gleamed with interest despite looking caught off guard in the photograph.

“Uh… Patton? What is this?” Virgil asked.

Patton hummed in question, popping his head out from his corner of the room- which looked a lot less clean than Virgil’s. He’d probably just spent the whole time reminiscing rather than cleaning.

Virgil held up the frame, waving it in lieu of answering. Patton managed to catch a glimpse and gasped, running over.

“Oh my gosh, I thought we didn’t have photos of him anymore!” Patton took the picture frame reverently, holding it close and absorbing every detail of it. He held it so close to his face that Virgil wondered how he was even seeing the whole picture.

“Who is it?” He asked after a few awkward seconds of letting Patton quietly gush over the photo.

Patton blinked. “Oh, I forgot you weren’t around when he was! He’s Passion. His name was Pasha.” He held out the photo between them, letting Virgil see it again.

“Passion?”

“He was Thomas’ interests as a kid. His hobbies, his dreams. He was my best friend back when Thomas was ten years old,” Patton clarified, a wistful tone to his voice.

Virgil bit his lip. “What… what happened to him?” Clearly he wasn’t around anymore. Virgil would have seen him, someone would have mentioned him, something would have come up. Instead this was the first time he was even hearing anything about a Passion. It sounded more like Roman than anything, but that wasn’t right, was it?

Patton became oddly silent at Virgil’s question, staring at the photo with a touch more sadness.

“It isn’t my place to say,” Patton finally settled on saying.

“Whose would it be?” Virgil asked.

“Logan or Roman. They know more than I do.”

A thousand thoughts raced through Virgil’s mind. Logan and Roman weren’t around when Thomas was ten. How would either of them know what had happened?

“Well kiddo, I think we should call it a day. I’m… I just want to be here for a bit.”

“Patton…” Virgil trailed off. “Are you…?”

“I’m fine. Just thinking. It’s always good to get the emotions out, right?” Tears glistened in his eyes. “Thanks for helping me clean, really. And thanks for finding this picture.” He flashed the anxious side a real smile despite the tears trailing down his face.

“No problem padre…”

 

\----

 

_In the beginning it was just Morality. Just Thomas’ emotions getting him through life day by day. There wasn’t a need for anything else. When you’re a baby, things are relatively simple._

_It’s when you get older that things become a lot more complicated._

_Passion came into existence when Thomas began to explore. He was a little four year old still trying to find his way, but he did have interests, favorite things, goals that weren’t all emotional. Passion was there to fill that gap for Morality._

_It was a shock when he first popped up. Morality had no idea that there could even be other sides, so seeing Passion suddenly appear with his scarf and glasses in the mind palace one day nearly sent Morality into a tissy. They quickly figured it out, though. They were sides, and they were parts of Thomas. There was no reason to be afraid of each other._

_They ended up making a pact to stick together throughout those formative years. They worked to fend off the emerging dark sides, doing their best to make sure that Thomas wouldn’t fall prey to that kind of thinking. It didn’t always work, but it was enough._

_They saw Thomas grow up. No other light sides appeared, but that was fine. They were content just being with each other._

 

\----

 

“Logan… Can sides die?” Virgil asked, seemingly out of nowhere.

Logan almost dropped the book he was reading, completely caught off guard. Virgil didn’t blame him. There they were, sitting in the living room having a nice quiet time together, and the anxious side just decided to drop one hell of a bombshell.

“I… why would you like to know?” Logan asked, befuddlement clear in his voice.

“Just wondering.” Virgil shrugged. He decided that he wasn’t going to bring up Passion. Clearly with the reaction Patton gave it was a sore subject, and he didn’t want to cause more harm just because he was curious. He figured he’d just skirt around the issue with Logan and try to suss out an answer without actually mentioning it. Maybe that’d stop all Virgil’s dwelling and let him focus on more important things.

...It was wishful thinking, but Virgil would bank on it anyway.

“Well… I suppose it is possible…” Logan said very carefully. He sounded like he was treading on very thin ice, not about to lie, but also not wanting to say anything that could cause a negative reaction.

“How would that… hypothetically happen?”

“Virgil, are you okay?” Logan asked, cutting the conversation off.

“I am- really!” Virgil quickly defended. “I’m just curious. I’ve never heard of sides disappearing, but it’s gotta be possible right? If Thomas doesn’t need one anymore?”

“I highly doubt Thomas wouldn’t need one of his core personality traits. Even the dark sides are needed, despite everything negative they contribute. They still have some good, and Thomas still can use their words to his benefit.” He sighed, looking put out. “Are you worried that Thomas doesn’t need his anxiety anymore? Because I’m pretty sure we already went over this when you ducked out.”

“No, I know Thomas needs me, don’t worry. I learned my lesson there. I was really just curious, I swear.” Virgil really hoped he wasn’t digging himself into a hole. “But you never answered my question. Is it possible?”

Logan bit his lip, looking down at his book and back up to the other side. “Yes. I suppose it is. If, hypothetically, a side’s job could be taken by another side, then that side would no longer be needed- but that is a highly improbable scenario. There is no reason that would happen, especially because Thomas is a grown adult. His personality has been solidified by now.”

But it hadn’t been in the past. That meant it was still possible then. Logan clearly didn’t know of anything like that happening, but he also wasn’t there until Thomas was twelve years old. Maybe something happened to Passion before he was around, so he wasn’t aware?

But who would take up Passion’s spot? Unless…

Roman.

Roman was passionate. He was creative. He was the source of Thomas’ hopes and dreams.

It made perfect sense.

Oh god, Roman killed another side. Maybe not intentionally, but he took their job. That’s why Patton was so upset, but didn’t want to show it. He was afraid of hurting Roman's feelings.

Virgil stood up quickly, his chair pushed back slightly.

“Virgil?” Logan questioned.

“Sorry, I need to… go. Thanks for talking, that was really interesting,” Virgil said quickly, speeding out of the room and leaving a confounded Logan behind.

Virgil needed to talk to Roman.

Later.

After he finished processing this.

 

\----

 

_Morality and Passion were ten years old when they decided on names for each other. Calling each other by their titles was just too formal for them, and they came to the conclusion that they weren’t just Thomas’ morality and passion, but so much more, so they deserved a name just like him._

_“I want to be Patton!” The tiny side cried out as he pointed at a name book, the name sticking out._

_“Why’s that?” Passion asked inquisitively, looking at the book carefully, where the meaning of Patton was printed._

_“I dunno. It just sounds nice!”_

_“But names have to have meaning!”_

_“Well Thomas’ name was picked just because his parents like it! We can do the same.” Patton pouted. “You can pick out a nice meaning for your name, but this is what I’m sticking with,” he said stubbornly._

_Passion was about to protest further, but his eyes trailed a few lines up, spotting something that caught his eye. “Pasha,” he said reverently._

_“Huh?”_

_“Pasha! That should be my name! Then we could both have names that start with P!”_

_“You just chose a name that sounds like Passion!” Morality accused._

_“So? You said it yourself, it doesn’t have to have a big meaning. It can just be a name.” Passion crossed his arms. “This is the name I want.”_

_“Oh, fine. It’s nice to meet you Pasha!” Patton stuck his hand out._

_“It’s nice to meet you, Patton.” Pasha shook the other’s hand, which Patton quickly turned into a hug that they stayed in for a good minute._

_These were their names, and their names alone._

 

_\----_

 

It had been a few days since Virgil talked with Logan, and still the only conclusion that he could come up with was that it was indeed Roman who had taken Passion’s place. Thomas was young and his interests were still growing and changing when Passion was still around. There was a chance that when Roman did come around, he unintentionally overstepped his role as creativity and bit off more than he needed to, rendering Passion useless.

That did seem like a very Roman thing to do. Not intentionally, but he always dreamed of bigger and better things, so of course he might take the reins on things like that without even thinking about it, because it was so ingrained into his personality.

It wasn’t a one hundred percent certain theory, however. Virgil knew better than to bank on those. There could always be some different explanation that he hadn’t though of- and this was a pretty drastic theory just to be throwing around with very little evidence.

That’s why he needed to talk to Roman. Get some information out of him and figure it out for himself. He wasn’t sure what he’d do with the information, but he just needed to know it to ease his mind. He’d figure it out later.

“Roman.” Virgil flopped over the creative sides’ bed, his hair falling over his face.

“Yes, My Chemically Imbalanced Romance?” Roman jibed. He was sitting at his own desk, brainstorming ideas idly. Virgil liked to sit in on these sessions, reminded of the days back when he and Roman worked together to create edgy poems and the like for Thomas. Even if he didn’t really contribute anything anymore, it was still nice to listen to the embodiment of creativity spitting out ideas and eventually hitting that one perfect one he was positive would work.

“I was wondering… You’re not just creativity, right?”

Roman shot him a confused glance. “Well, a-doy. Just like you’re not just anxiety, you’re also self preservation . Hell, I even introduced myself as the fanciful side the first few Sanders Sides episodes! What kind of a question was that?”

Alright, it was a stupid question. Virgil just didn’t know how to casually bring it up otherwise! That was the only way he could think of that could maybe naturally work.

“I was just wondering,” Virgil mumbled. “So what other traits would you describe yourself as?”

Roman frowned. “Are you having an existential crisis, Virgil? Because I can tell you that you are so much more than you give yourself credit for. You’re self preservation, caution, fear, that voice of reason in Thomas’ head. You give us all a reality check when we need it.”

Geez, did everyone think that Virgil always needed a pep talk? He should really tell them to cool it. He wasn’t always on the brink of sinking out again, he was just in a bad place that one time- but things were different now. He was a different side now.

He guessed it just took time for the others to realize this. So now he just had to deal with the constant reassurance and slight babying, even when he was trying to do this for everyone else.

Okay, maybe not everyone else, but still just in an effort to sate his own curiosity.

“No, Roman, I’m fine. Just curious. What would you describe yourself as?”

Roman looked like he wanted to protest more, but decided against it, instead tapping his chin with a finger. “Hmm, well, that’s a tough one. I suppose I’d be creativity, dreams, ambition, talent, those kinds of things.” Roman perked up for a second “Oh! And I can’t forgot passion! I’m-”

The rest of Roman’s words were drowned out by Virgil’s mind.

There is was, straight from the horse’s mouth. He was passion.

Roman had to have taken over Passion’s role, killing him. He was the reason why Patton was crying in his room.

And Virgil couldn’t even blame Roman. Roman was just naturally passionate. He was always driven, always pursuing new things, and there was no doubt that he was just like that when he first came into being. He would never have done that to another side intentionally, but it’s not like it was something he could control. Roman was just the natural evolution from Thomas’ passions as a young kid to his hobbies as a teenager.

The rest of the conversation with Roman was a blur in Virgil’s mind, but he eventually got out of his room and into his own, left with a cacophony of thoughts and no way to organize them.

 

\----

 

_Pasha and Patton were only ten years old, but they were aware of things like relationships. Sure, they may not be old enough to get all the logistics of it, but they knew the basics: people that were together held hands and did things together and were happy._

_Patton already had two of those things with Pasha, so he figured why not try holding hands with him? Then they could be together like their parents!_

_It was a perfectly logical conclusion in the moral side’s mind. He loved Pasha, and Pasha loved him, so obviously they should be in a relationship._

_“Pasha! Hold my hand!” Patton cried as he raced into the side’s bedroom._

_“What?” The passionate side poked his head up from a children’s book, confusion written over his face._

_“You should hold my hand, and then you can be my boyfriend!”_

_“You… want to be my boyfriend?” Pasha blushed, putting his book down on his lap._

_“Yes! That’s what everyone does when they’re close friends! They hold hands, and then they are a couple! We already hang out and are best friends, so why shouldn’t we be boyfriends!”_

_“That.. does make sense,” Pasha said, a tone of contemplation in his voice. “But would you really want to be my boyfriend? I… I’m sure there’s someone better.”_

_“We’re the only two good sides! Besides, even if there were others, I’d still like to be with you! You’re funny and kind and passionate about so many things! Do… do you want to be my boyfriend?” Patton’s voice got a tad smaller at that last question, a bit of fear worming its way into his gut._

_“I… Of course, Patton. I’d love to hold your hand.”_

_A large grin spread across the moral side’s face, and he quickly rushed over to Pasha’s bedside, grabbing his hand. It was a bit clumsy at first as he tried to figure out the best way to fit their hands together, but they worked it out quickly._

_A blush spread on both of their cheeks, but they wouldn’t have it any other way._

 

_\----_

 

The next day when Virgil walked into the living room, he was met with three identical faces all looking at him with a variety of different expressions, concern being the most obvious.

“Virgil, we’re… worried about you,” Roman started.

“What?” Virgil blinked.

“You’ve been asking some odd questions lately, and we were just afraid that you might still feel out of place here- or perhaps that some worries are plaguing you still and you need to have someone help you work through them,” Roman clarified. “There’s no shame in asking for help. We’re all here for you.”

“What are you talking about? I’m fine.” The anxious side crossed his arms, narrowing his eyes at everyone.

“Virgil, you asked Logan about death, and then asked me about what you thought your purpose was here. It sounds like you are still struggling to find your place in our group, and wondering if you are still useful- which of course you are-” Roman quickly affirmed. “You know you’re part of the family.”

“Of course I know that.” Virgil scuffed his shoe on the ground. “I told you, I wasn’t asking about that stuff because of me. I was just curious. Not everything I ask has to revolve around me. There’s just a lot of stuff that I still don’t know here.”

Logan frowned. “Well, usually curiosity occurs from something happening to spark the idea. It is not a far leap to assume you are currently thinking about these types of things and are wondering about what we know. It’s okay-”

“I’m just trying to find out about Passion!” Virgil cut him off, too annoyed at the barrage of misunderstandings to think through his words.

Everyone in the room froze up.

“How… How did you learn that name?” Logan asked slowly.

“That’s my fault, kiddo,” Patton spoke up softly, speaking up for the first time since the invention began. “We were cleaning out my room a week ago, and he found a photo. I… I didn’t realize. I’m sorry, kiddo.”

Virgil rubbed his arm self consciously. “It’s fine, Pat. I was just wondering what happened. You told me to ask Logan and Roman, but… I didn’t want to hurt them like you clearly were when it was brought up. I was trying to be discreet.”

“Pat, you were hurt?” Roman’s head whipped over to the fatherly side, concern obvious on every inch of his face. “Whatever for?”

“I… I just missed Pasha, that’s all. Nothing to worry about. I know that I shouldn’t be afraid of letting my emotions out anymore, so I just let myself miss him. It’s okay.”

Roman put a hand on Patton’s shoulder. “It’s okay, Patton. I’m sorry. It’s okay to miss him.”

“I suppose we owe you an apology, Virgil,” Logan said after a minute. “I did not think that you knew about Passion, so I did not make the connection, and instead jumped to a false conclusion. I apologize.”

“It’s no big deal. I was just wondering.” Virgil shrugged. If he knew that asking about Passion would have caused this mess, he would have just kept his curiosity to himself. Everyone staring at him now was just making him even more anxious.

“Well, I suppose we owe you an explanation now,” Roman spoke, still patting Patton on the back and shooting Logan a look. The logical side nodded back.

“It’s alright, you don’t have to explain it to me. I figured it out myself,” Virgil said with a sigh.

“You did?” Logan asked incredulously.

“Yeah. You said that sides can only die if their role was taken over by another side. Roman appeared when Thomas was eleven, and when I showed up around twelve, Passion wasn’t there. I figured that Roman took over Passion’s role, and that’s why he’s gone now. I don’t blame you, and I’m sorry for pushing.”

Logan and Roman both shot each other a look. “Virgil… That’s not exactly true.”

“What?” Virgil blinked. “But you told me that that was the only way sides could die.”

“Passion didn’t die, Virgil,” Patton spoke up, his voice soft. “He’s still here.”

“I… I don’t understand. You were mourning him. How is he still here? What do you mean?”

“Let me tell you a story, Virgil…”

 

_\----_

 

_“Hey Pash, what’s wrong?” Patton poked his head into the dining room. The eleven year old was sitting at the table, a contemplative frown on his face._

_“I don’t know.”_

_“How can you not know what’s wrong?” Patton walked over the the side, sitting on the chair next to him and leaning close._

_“I don’t know!” Pasha cried out, throwing the pencil in his hand down with a dull clunk. “It just doesn’t make sense! Thomas’ teacher wants him to do a writing assignment, and I want to do it, but I also don’t want to!”_

_“Why don’t you want to?” Patton grabbed one of his boyfriend’s hands, trying to physically reassure him. Seeing his boyfriend in any kind of hurt was always heartwrenching._

_“His teacher wants us to do this writing about these silly things, and it just seems stupid to me! Like, I want to, but it’s a waste of our time!”_

_“Oh Pasha… Nothing is a waste of time if you have fun doing it.”_

_“But we could be doing better things!”_

_“Pash, you never know if something will be worth doing if you never try it.”_

_“I just think we should be doing more… concrete things. Like working on math, or history! Not spending time writing stories. They do nothing to help us.”_

_“But they’re fun! Our time together doesn’t really do much, but we still hang out and enjoy it!”_

_“I guess…” Pasha trailed off._

_“Come on, let’s just do something fun now and take your mind off this. We can always come back later.”_

_“Alright. Thanks, Pat.”_

_“No problem.” Patton flashed his boyfriend a large smile. “That’s what I’m here for!”_

_“But what am I here for?” Passion mumbled under his breath, too low for the other side to hear._

 

_\----_

 

_Something wasn’t right._

_Patton could feel it. Thomas’ mindscape felt weird, like there was something invariably wrong. His first thought was Passion. He had been acting weird lately, but surely he couldn’t be causing this… wrongness? Pasha would never do something like that. Dark sides did that, not Passion._

_Patton slipped out of his room, taking small steps over to their living room where he could hear sound. It felt wrong._

_“-isn’t right! Doing theatre would take up too much time! We would barely be able to get out homework done!” Pasha was pacing around the room, looking at the floor and ranting to himself. A roiling feeling boiled up in Patton’s gut. “But this would make Thomas happy! I should be letting him pursue his dreams! But not at the expense of school! School is more important than some hobby that he probably won’t care about in a year. School will lead us to more substantial hobbies!”_

_“Pasha…?” Patton questioned._

_He didn’t hear him._

_“But what if he likes theatre? What if he wants to continue it? What if he gets a major role? He wouldn’t be able to do anything else! I can’t leave all our other passions behind just for this one! What about astrology? Math? Those are so much more viable career options! I know we should be enjoying our youth, but we have to think about things like this! We can’t waste our time doing theatre!”_

_“But what about what Thomas wants?”_

_“We are Thomas! We know what’s best for him!”_

_“No, we’re his sides! He’s still his own person who can make his own decisions!”_

_“But I’m still his passion! I know about things like this!”_

_“And I know that this will make him happy!”_

_He was arguing with himself. He wasn’t even being discreet about it, he was just literally talking back and forth with himself like he was two different people._

_This had been happening a lot lately- on a lot lower level than this, but still similar. He’d argue with himself, flipping between different options and never settling on something. It was like a never ending war with himself. But never as obviously and physically split as this. Patton wanted to step in, say something to comfort his boyfriend and tell him that everything was okay, but he couldn’t. He didn’t know what to do or how to fix this. He was frozen with indecision._

_“You’re not listening to me! Well you’re not listening to_ me! _You can’t keep doing this, we’ll never get anything done! You’re the one getting into a huge argument with yourself, just choose something! But there is no right answer, it’s all subjective!”_

_Tears began to well up in Pasha’s eyes. He clapped his hands over his ears, trying to block out the sound that wasn’t around him. The sound that was all inside his head._

_“JUST GET OUT OF MY HEAD!”_

_And then…_

_Pasha didn’t exist anymore._

_Just like that, he was gone. Patton’s boyfriend wasn’t there anymore, and instead… There were two people on the floor, dazed and confused but entirely separate._

_One had Pasha’s glasses. The other had his red scarf wrapped around his shoulders._

_“We…” Scarf looked up at Glasses. “What?”_

_“This… is an unprecedented turn of events…” Glasses sputtered out._

_“Pasha?” Patton whispered. It was like his entire world was breaking down. This wasn’t right. Where was Pasha? Where was the boy he grew up with? What happened?_

_“Patton?” Scarf spoke up, his eyes meeting Patton’s. “I… I don’t know what happened.”_

_“We split,” Glasses explained, sounding like he just came upon the realization himself. “We couldn’t decide which path to pursue, and we weren’t getting anywhere like that, so Thomas’ mind split us in two. So we wouldn’t be constantly fighting and could actually get something done.”_

_“So… who I am?” Scarf asked, fiddling with his scarf idly in his hands._

_“Who do you feel like? I feel like… Logic.”_

_“I feel like… Creativity.”_

_Patton’s world shattered._


	2. The Reaction

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Virgil struggles to understand just what the story Logan and Roman told him means, and Patton struggles to deal with the emotions that Passion inevitably brings up.

“You… You were both Passion?” Virgil stuttered out, trying to take in the story. 

It was almost impossible to comprehend. Nothing the anxious side had ever heard pointed to the idea that sides could just split apart and become two different people. It wasn’t something he had ever thought of because it sounded just so ridiculous.

“Yes. I was Thomas’ more academic passions, Roman was Thomas’ creative passions. Although of course we were just one back then, there was no separation in our mind. We were just Passion,” Logan explained, like it was all logical and Virgil’s entire worldview wasn’t just shifted five degrees to the left.

“I... “ Virgil ran a hand through his hair. “What changed?”

Roman sighed. “Passion… He was always very conflicted, even before things started to pile up. For a side that emcompasses such a broad range from academic to creative, to everything in between, it can be tough to keep it together,” Roman explained, his usual flair more restrained. “The straw that broke the camel’s back, so to say, was just Thomas trying to figure out whether he wanted to spend more time on school or theatre. We were young, and weren’t really thinking about trying to find an inbetween, so there was a constant flipping back and forth that was too much to handle.”

“It’s a good thing it happened then and not any other time. If Passion was still there when Thomas was deciding between chemical engineering and his vine career, the consequences would have been drastic. Roman and I were already arguing like crazy when that happened; if we were still one side, Thomas’ mental state would have suffered greatly,” Logan said.

Alright. That was starting to make a bit more sense. It was still crazy to think sides could split like a fusion from Steven Universe, but even he could tell that Roman and Logan staying as one side would not be a good idea. They were practically made to be arguing with each other.

While putting this together, Virgil’s eyes darted towards Patton. The fatherly side seemed oddly subdued, his eyes averted and not really paying attention to the situation. Virgil could only imagine what that must have felt like, being there as his boyfriend split apart before his eyes-

And that was another thing. Boyfriend. Patton had been Passion’s partner, even though they were young and weren’t quite sure what that entailed yet. They were still together, and losing a friend like that must have been crushing. 

He did still have Roman and Logan, though...

“So are you still dating?” Virgil tentatively asked.

Patton’s head shot up, eyes wide.

“Oh uh...” Logan looked similarly caught off guard. “No. No we aren’t.”

“I was with Pasha, not them, Virgil,” Patton spoke up. “It’s… not the same. I was in love with Passion, not Creativity or Logic.” Virgil could almost see the beginnings of tears in Patton’s eyes. He wasn’t sure if it was a trick of the light or not, but it didn’t really matter. It was clear that Patton was hurting, and there wasn’t much he could do. Virgil was still reeling, and this situation wasn’t really his place. He had just learned about it today, no words he could say would have any meaning. 

Both Logan and Roman looked down as well, unsure what exactly to say. 

It became abundantly clear to Virgil that this wasn’t something the three of them talked about often- if ever. The anxious side sympathized with that. Conversations about something like this would be nerve wracking and embarrassing and a huge mess, and if it happened to Virgil, he would want to be anywhere but there. But that’s because Virgil was anxiety, and that was kind of his M.O.. These three were supposed to be the more put together sides that didn’t just ignore their problems and hope they’d go away.

But they did, and here Virgil was, opening back up that wound. 

Well, maybe that wasn’t the most apt analogy. It was more like a broken bone that had healed incorrectly and everyone was saying was healed, and Virgil had just re-broken it.

Patton stood up abruptly, rubbing his eyes with the back of his hand. “Sorry kiddos, I… have to go.” He left without another word, walking up the stairs to his room. No one made any attempt to stop him, too caught up in their own worlds and unable to figure out what to do.

Virgil looked back at the other two sides, who both looked taken aback and remorseful.

“I’m sorry for bringing this up.” Virgil rubbed the back of his neck. “And sorry for worrying you. I just didn’t know…”

“It’s okay, Virgil,” Logan started. “Curiosity is perfectly natural. You were just formulating a hypothesis with the data you were given, and it happened to lead to this. It’s not your fault. In all actuality, it’s our own fault for never telling you before.”

“Did you… not want to tell me?” Virgil asked. The idea that they didn’t trust him with that hurt, but...

“No, no,” Roman quickly said. “It’s just a… sensitive topic, as you can see. We never really thought to bring it up,” he clarified.

The anxious side nodded. “Alright. I’ll… talk to you guys later.” He was ready to slink back into his room and not think about this embarrassing misunderstanding of a situation for a long time, and readjust his entire concept of how sides worked in peace.

Maybe take a nice long nap and try not to think about death for a long, long time. Maybe try to figure out what he could possibly say to the side that was so much like a father to him, without it feeling worthless.

 

\----

 

The next day, things were tense in the mindscape. Logan took to spending time in his own room away from the cacophony of emotions plaguing everyone, but of course he was once again dragged back out and into the fray.

“Roman?” Logan poked his head into the side’s room. He had gotten an odd text message from him asking to join him in his room- confusing because he could have just walked down and asked Logan to join him like usual- but he still obliged, because as sides communication was of the utmost importance. 

Immediately he was taken aback as he came face to face with what wasn’t Roman’s room, but what looked like a miniature ballroom. Logan knew that Roman could change his room to look however he wanted it to, but he was not expecting… this sight to greet him.

In the middle of the room, Roman stood, looking incredibly extra. He was wearing what looked like a tuxedo and a dress combo, completely impractical and yet completely Roman.

“Logan.” The creative side smirked. “Would you care for a dance?”

Logan stayed put outside the door, blinking like it would change what was in front of him. “Are you trying to court me?” He raised an eyebrow. “Because I’m not sure this is the right way to go about it.”

Roman rolled his eyes with an exaggerated huff. “No! Ugh, just come here Logan.” He held out his hand. “Just dance with me. I want to test something.”

Logan finally walked into the room, taking an extra look around. “And this is how you chose to do it? Wouldn’t a normal room and normal clothes have sufficed?”

Roman scoffed. “I needed to set the mood! There’s a certain finesse to dance that must be achieved. Now dance with me, no more questions asked! There’s time for questions later.” He shook his hand out again, and Logan carefully took it.

“Alright. But-” There was no time for him to finished as the wind was taken out of him by a quick spin by Roman, who apparently couldn’t wait another second to dance.

They were swept into a quick dance that almost felt like a combination between ballroom dancing and tango, Roman taking the lead and deciding that, yeah, picking up Logan was a completely reasonable idea. 

Logan was no novice at dancing, however. He could keep up with Princey’s footsteps quite accurately, owing the knowledge to Thomas’ own proclivities for theatrics and learning how to step in time. He was not prepared to being swept off his feet and dipped to the ground, however, and when Roman attempted to execute the last move, his center of gravity was set off and they ended up falling into a pile on the floor together.

“Ow,” Logan said blandly, rubbing his head and adjusting his skewed glasses. Thankfully they didn’t seem broken despite Roman elbowing them sideways in an effort to gain ahold of him before toppling down. “Well, that was a massive failure. I’m not sure what you were expecting there.”

Roman huffed. “Well maybe if you tried to actually dip with me rather than staying stiff as a board, we would have gotten somewhere. Do you have two left feet or something?”

“What are you trying to achieve, Roman?” Logan asked, deciding to ignore his provocative question.

The creative side looked away, his arms crossed and a blush dusting his cheeks. “I was just trying to test a theory…” He mumbled, trailing off.

“What kind of a theory involves dancing ourselves into a pile? And why could you have not asked Virgil or Patton?”

Roman mumbled something under his breath that Logan couldn’t catch.

“What?” Logan asked.

“I was… trying to fuse.”

 

\----

 

It was a stupid idea. A really, really, stupid idea. Roman knew it from the beginning. But a small part of his mind still thought that maybe, just maybe, because they weren’t real people, fusing like the gems in Steven Universe could work.

He knew it wouldn’t, and he knew Logan would have told him exactly that if he brought it up to him, but he just had to try it… He couldn’t keep going on without at least trying something.

“You’re… trying to bring back Passion?” Logan asked, looking caught completely off guard for once. 

“No, I… Yes, but… I…” Roman stuttered out, running a hand through his hair haphazardly. “I don’t know. I just thought maybe if Passion was back even for a little bit, Patton would be happy. I don’t like seeing him so down.”

Logan sighed. “If Passion came back, Patton wouldn’t be happy, Roman. He’d have lost two of his close friends.”

“I know that! But… I don’t know- do you ever think that we would be better? If we were still Passion? If Thomas would be better?” 

His voice cracked at the end. Ever since this whole problem was brought back up again, all he could think about was whether splitting up was the best thing. He thought it was, but these little doubts wouldn’t let go.

“Roman…” Logan sighed sadly. “Passion was never meant to stay forever. A passion is… not always stable. Usually they dry up after a time. Concert pianists tire of playing the same songs day and in and day out. Mathematicians get bored of doing the same calculations. Their passion is lessened. It can be rekindled, but there is no guarantee. Passion may seem like the most important thing in the world, but without substance it will never stay. It needs a strong foundation. WE are that foundation. Together we are passion. But we don’t have to be one to be it. 

“In all honesty, Passion shouldn’t have even existed in the first place. He was too specific, and too broad at the same time. There are such a wide variety of passions one can take up, trying to fit them all into one side would just be pointless. But because passions have multiple facets to them, different ideas that fuel them, just passion alone was too specific. Roman, Passion was always going to split. It was inevitable.”

Roman hummed half heartedly in acknowledgement. He remembered the feeling of not being whole all too well. Passion always felt one second away from breaking in those later years. It was impossible to forget. But still...

“Did you enjoy it?” Roman asked. “Because I did. At least, I think I did. You probably did too, since we were the same. I don’t know, this probably doesn’t make sense.”

“The concept of one mind becoming two is incredibly complex, I doubt it makes sense to most,” Logan comforted him. “Even I have trouble sometimes with remembering that Passion wasn’t just me. And yes, I did enjoy it. Why wouldn’t I have?”

“I dunno. I guess I’m just feeling a little… less than confident right now.” Roman traced a line on the ground absentmindedly, not willing to look up at the other side.

“We did pretty much ignore it since it happened. This is the first real talk we’ve had about it in years. I thought we were just going to ignore it for the rest of our life.” Logan shrugged. 

“Do you still love Patton?” Roman whispered under his breath, like it was forbidden to say. “I do, in a way. I still have memories of loving him, and I know that love didn’t just go away, even if it did for Patton since…” Roman trailed off.

“Patton loved Passion, but we’re not Passion,” Logan finished. “I don’t think I love him anymore- I see him as a close friend, and I would never want to risk losing that- but I know I did in the past, just like Pasha did. His feelings didn’t just instantly disappear. It’s tough to say, really.” 

The hurtful truth was that even if Roman wanted something with Patton again, he’d always feel like he was trying to measure up to Pasha. He’d never be able to feel like his own side, rather just a byproduct of Passion. Not that he wanted to pursue anything- despite being the personification of romance, he couldn’t see Patton as much else than a dad anymore, but the feelings were still always there like an unforgotten memory. A memory that didn’t feel like his.

A lot of Pasha’s memories felt like that. Like slices of a life he lived, but also didn’t. It was weird to think about, and that’s why he often just pushed the memories away, deciding not to dwell on them. If he thought too much about it, he’d become like… this. Laying on a ballroom floor because of a stupid idea he thought might fix things but ended up failing. Thinking back on Passion would always bring out the worst- maybe that was indicative of the kind of side Passion was at the end, maybe it was just how Roman was as a side, too proactive and nitpicky, but it never led to anything good.

He really wished Virgil had never brought this up again. He hadn’t thought about the whole situation in a while, too busy with his creative endeavours, and he was doing just fine. He didn’t have to think about these complicated questions that inevitably sprung up whenever it was brought up. But he also didn’t blame Virgil. It was a big part of their lives, and Virgil was a part of their group. He deserved to know about the past- it wasn’t like it was a big secret or anything, there was nothing wrong with him knowing.

He just wished it didn’t end up hurting Patton so badly.

Because really, that’s what it all came down to. Roman could deal with some existential questions and memories that didn’t feel like memories any day. But seeing Patton so hurt because of something they did in the past, even if they didn’t have control of it, it was upsetting. There was such a large part of him- and Logan as well- that cared so much about Patton, Something that the disappearance of Passion couldn’t ever take away. And it felt horrible knowing there wasn’t anything he could do, other than a few experiments that were never going to work.

Logan seemed to pick up on his train of thought and sighed, readjusting his glasses.

“Would you like to try one more time, Roman?” He held out his hand.

“Really?” Roman propped himself up on an elbow, looking up to the logical side for the first time since they fell.

“Really. I think it’s completely illogical and will never work, but there’s no harm in trying.”

Roman gave a soft smile, grabbing his hand and letting him pull him up.

They repeated the same steps once again, this time even more in sync as both knew exactly where the other was going to go, stepping in time together and not missing a beat. Logan even made an effort to fall into the swings and dips more, not freezing up as he had done before. The finally dip was executed perfectly as Roman held his forehead close to Logan’s, and they both waited with baited breath…

But nothing happened.

“I figured…” Roman breathed out.

Logan laughed. “Yeah, it was a stupid idea. But you wouldn’t be Roman if you didn’t have stupid ideas now and again.”

Roman let out a fake indignant scoff. “How dare? I’ll have you know that all my ideas are perfectly reasonable.”

Yeah, there was a reason Passion broke up. But damn if Logan and Roman didn’t still have a natural sync with each other that allowed them to flow so seamlessly together, and yet work so differently.

 

\----

 

Patton held the picture of Pasha close, memorising the details of his face. It had been so long since he had last seen him, he’d almost forgotten the way his eyes shown with knowledge, the way he seemed to snuggle into his scarf at every moment, and the way he blushed when caught off guard. 

The picture didn’t bring back the feelings that it used to. He used to feel a burst of love and happiness whenever he saw Pasha, enamored with him in every way. Now, when he was older and Pasha was still just a ten year old kid in his mind, he didn’t feel the same way, but man did it still hurt. He still felt the loss he did all those years ago, that grieving that he wondered if he was even allowed to feel because technically Pasha was still there- he was just two people now. 

He knew he was allowed to grieve now, learning to embrace all of his feelings and not just the happy ones, but there were still years and years where he was never sure if mourning his loss was appropriate. Now, though, all he really wanted to do was just feel. Even the bad feelings. They’d tell him that Pasha was still there in his memory, and his spirit was still here in the mindscape, just in two seperate places.

He loved Roman and Logan. They were his close friends, his family, and even if he missed Pasha, he could never regret having them. They were what Pasha was always meant to be, and their existence meant that Pasha wasn’t hurting anymore.

There was a knock on the door that snapped Patton out of his musings, a head popping into his room without preamble. 

“Hey Pat,” Virgil said, walking into the room with his hands stuffed into his pockets.

“Hey Virge.” Patton wiped away a few quick tears from his eyes.

“Are you doing okay?” 

The fatherly side nodded. “Yeah. Just thinking. Y’know, I hadn’t thought about Pasha in a while until I found the picture. I could never forget him, but things have just been so busy I barely had any time.” He laughed. “I know you guys worry about me, but really, I’m fine. Just embracing my emotions, and remembering the good times. It’s been… nice.”

“But isn’t it also sad?” Virgil asked.

“Of course it is. But sadness just make the times when you’re happy all the sweeter. If I wasn’t sad about Pasha being gone, then I wouldn’t be happy about all the memories I shared with him. Besides, he’s not completely gone, just two seperate people. I have Logan and Roman- and you! You’re all my family.”

Virgil gave a soft smile, interrupted by Logan knocking on the door, obviously him by the precise way he knocked and waited for a reply rather than barging in like the other two sides.

“Come in, Lo!” Patton called.

The door opened, letting Logan and Roman spill into the room. 

“Hello, Daddy-o! We are here to spend some quality time! We’ve been severely lacking lately, and that needs to be rectified immediately!” Roman said boisterously. 

“We noticed you’ve been spending some time in your room alone, and worried you were feeling lonely,” Logan added. “I know you are simply remembering Passion, but perhaps if we all talked about it together, the healing process might move along faster, and will be less arduous.”

It really was a healing process. It should have been done years ago, really, but with being sides who are constantly busy, and the uncomfortableness of the situation that no one wanted to address, it never really happened. Better late than never, however.

“Well, sure, that sounds nice.” Patton flashed a smile. “Come join us on the bed, kiddos.” He patted the spot next to him, grabbing a pillow to hug. The two sides both took up residence on the large bed, Roman sprawling out and Logan sitting criss crossed taking up as little space as he could. “So what’d you want to talk about kiddos?”

“Sharing memories about a loved one is a vital part of the healing process, so I believe doing so might do us all some good,” Logan explained.

Roman jolted up. “Plus, Virgil never got to know Passion! Just think of all the funny stories we never got to tell him! Like remember that one time we tried to make brownies for Patton’s birthday and ended up mixing up the baking soda and baking powder?”

“That might be why Thomas never got into baking,” Logan quipped. 

Patton let out a large belly laugh. He had completely forgotten the day that happened. It was just one of the complete and utter mishaps that occured in the mindscape back when they were kids, so common and yet so out of left field. 

The rest of the night was filled with stories of days long forgotten, and memories that Patton could never forget. Roman and Logan seemed to be in perfect sync, both recalling the same memories with accuracy, and yet each having their own take on them. It reminded Patton that Pasha’s spirit was never truly gone.

Yeah, it hurt to know he couldn’t cuddle him or give him a chaste kiss in the night, but it didn’t matter when he had a family that cared so much about him right here.

And besides, remembering Pasha just reminded him to cherish the family he had.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hooray, I finished it! Now it's back to hide in my hole and not post anything for another month or two because apparently that's what I do.
> 
> (That brownie story actually happened to me recently... They were the worst brownies I've ever had. I knew something was wrong when the batter wasn't pouring into the pan correctly, but I was too far in to quit.)

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry to leave you on a cliffhanger ;)  
> (I'm not sorry)
> 
> Next time, reactions and fallout shall be had.


End file.
